St. Valentine was definitely a stoner.
His hippy-dippy Christian ministry preached love over everything, he was known for writing the softest soft-boi poetry, he even performed many illicit marriages between Christian soldiers…allegedly. And even though it has, over time, become the horniest of holidays, his martyrdom was initially celebrated as a feast. Honestly, what’s stonier than an all-inclusive food orgy?
Hallmark-ification of the holiday aside, St. Valentine’s Day is truly, deeply, madly rooted in simple, unadulterated love for self, family and community. Whether you’re spoiling yourself, your bffs, or the receiver(s) of your amorous desire(s), consider these thoughtful VD gifts while you smoke these heart-tickling strains, and let’s all make St. Valentine proud.
For the Self-Partnered and Loving It: Oshihana Sex Oil + Forbidden Fruit
Don’t mistake Oshihana’s CBD-CBG blend Sex Oil for a slippery coital lubricant—this is denser, stickier and more absorbent than silicone or water-based lubricants. Just don’t mistake it for an all-purpose sex lube: Its consistency is appropriate for female self-pleasure since the cannabinoid blend ostensibly heightens feminine genital sensitivity. What it lacks as a bang-butter it more than makes up for with poontang stimulation. Oshihana.com.
Forbidden Fruit is a Cherry Pie-Tangie hybrid that users overwhelmingly describe as velvety, sedative, sensual in its effects. This cultivar has a funky tropical fruit perfume and a candy-sweet inhale. Expect purplish buds with bright golden filaments.
Get it from: Gram Central Station, 6430 NE Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd., 503-284-6714.
For the Magickal Herbalist: Barbari Valentine Bouquet + Gushers
This year, Barbari put together a charming Valentine box featuring 7 grams of strain-specific hemp flower, one of its three herbal smoking blends, a limited-edition enamel badge, and a cutie-patootie love poem card. Each of its signature herbal blends has been assigned a different hemp cultivar to maximize the potency of both the herbal blend and the hemp flower. For those who enthusiastically puff botanicals, this is a thoughtful and practical V-Day gift. Barbari.com.
Gushers is an indica-forward hybrid of Gelato #41 and Triangle Kush that users report as zippy and euphoric at the onset, eventually melting into a relaxed, romantic, couch- or bed-bound buzz. Expect a sweet, fruity inhale and a grassy, bright exhale.
For the Cozy Cuddler: Greater Goods Strawberry Hot Chocolate Bombs + Trophy Wife
Valentine gifts that honor spiritual connections over sensual predilections are crucial to a well-rounded VD experience. Stock up on a few of these strawberry hot chocolate bombs, attach them to drugstore (or handmade) Valentines, and show your pals just how dedicated you are with their midwinter coziness. Hellogreater.com.
Trophy Wife combines the genetics of therapeutic strains Cherry Wine and The Wife to produce a sativa-leaning, high-CBD, hybrid cultivar with a distinct cherry-cheese perfume. Users report effects that include stress and pain relief, elevated moods, and a general easing of social anxiety.
For Some Serious Sensuality: Sacred Herb Medicinals Cannabis Massage Oil + Truffle Butter
For the partnerships that made it through 2020 with their attraction intact, gifting your honey (or honeys) with a sensual medicated massage can be a nice way to say, “Thank you for coexisting with me through this bullshit year.” Sacred Herbs Medicinals Massage Oil is made with full-spectrum cannabis extract and designed for relaxation and relief. But with a little chemistry and imagination, it can also be a steamy way to kick off a sensual holiday date night. Sacredherbmedicinals.com.
Truffle Butter is a cross between Chocolate Kush and Gelato whose genetics read as a balanced hybrid, even though users overwhelmingly report deeply sedative, voluptuous, libido-enhancing highs. Expect sweet notes of burnt caramel and tropical fruit in the nose and a grassy, floral exhale.
Get it from: Greenery Cannabis Delivery, getgreenery.com.
For the Evergreen Hopeless Romantic: Canna Style Pink Heart Water Pipe + Squirt
Some of us wear pink on red and accessorize with hearts and roses all year long. For us, the Western Valentine aesthetic is too charming to relegate to one day exclusively. I can tell you firsthand that dreamy, romantical stoner types are sure to squeal over this pink, heart-shaped mini-bong from the popular, woman-owned Canna Style brand. Pro tip: Slide a red rose inside for some extra festiveness. Shopcannastyle.com.
Squirt is a super-peppy sativa hybrid bred from a cross of Tangie and Blueberry Muffin. Users report energetic, chatty, focused highs great for daytime daydreaming. Expect a tangy, citrusy inhale and dense purple and green buds.
Get it from: Gnome Grown, 5012 NE 28th Ave., 971-346-2098, gnomegrownorganics.com.
Treat Yo’ Self: Oracle Wellness Co. Self-Love Gold Ring + Pink Panties
Oracle Wellness is popular for its plant-based remedies, but its swag is also highly covetable. This 18k gold-plated self love ring is an adjustable, gender-neutral testament to the spirit of St. Valentine, for whom no power was greater than the power of love. And in the words of modern-day saint RuPaul, “If you can’t love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love someone else?” oraclewellnessco.com.
Pink Panties is a cross of Burmese and Florida Kush strains that users herald for its functional sedation, pain and anxiety relief, and a benign euphoria. Don’t be fooled by its lower THC percentage: Even at 15% to 17% THC, this cultivar mostly ushers its users into horizontal positions. What happens next, however, is up to the users.
Get it from: Shaman Cannabis, 11134 NE Halsey St., 503-451-0460.